I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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