bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
