wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
