Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
