If that was your dad, he is hot
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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