You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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