Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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