i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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