Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
