false alarm. still invincible.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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