i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
