Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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