Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
