I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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