at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
