Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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