Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
