You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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