I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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