Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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