god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
