If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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