im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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