I wish my penis had an off switch
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
