My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what day is it and did you see me today?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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