mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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