Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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