I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
