Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
