she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
