Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
