Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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