blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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