i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
