Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
