You work out of a Hotel?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
