I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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