so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
