What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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