Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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