PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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