she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it's like heaven, but drunker
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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