LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
