So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
