it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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