So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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