I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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