Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
