We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
