okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
